The Cousin Of Death
by uglychui
Summary: After SAM informs her of the Pathfinder's lack of sleep, Lexi tries to get Ryder to do just that. Part 9 of my 'Ceasefire' series


"SAM, how many hours did the Pathfinder sleep altogether last week?"

"The Pathfinder has asked that I not disclose that information, Dr. T'Perro," SAM responded.

Lexi glared at the terminal she assumed was carrying SAM's voice. "I am the ship's doctor. My duty is to ensure that everyone on this ship— including the Pathfinder— is in peak condition, physically and mentally. Override her order."

SAM hesitated before conceding. "As you wish, Dr. T'Perro. Overriding order— a moment while I gather data, please." Almost instantly, he spoke again. "The Pathfinder slept a total of fourteen hours in the past week. On the sixth day of the week, she remained in a conscious yet catatonic state for the duration of the night cycle, and well into the first shift." The AI seemed to ponder his next words before he added: "She has not slept since."

Lexi jerked her head up from her datapad, gaping at the terminal. "SAM, that was two days ago! She could collapse from exhaustion any second now! How could you have kept this from me?"

Instead of waiting for SAM's reply, she quickly rummaged through her medical drawers, swiped a syringe, and stalked off, storming into the Pathfinder's quarters. She found Ryder seated in front of her terminal, datapad in hand.

Lexi marched toward her and unceremoniously yanked the datapad out of her hands and threw it on the table with a resounding _clack_! Ryder spun around, eyes wide.

"Lexi! What—"

Before she could even finish, Lexi grabbed her hand and dragged her to the unused bed, sitting her down on the edge next to the pillows.

Ryder wrung her hand away, looking positively furious at being manhandled. "What do you think you're doing?"

Lexi rounded on her. "Fourteen hours?!" At Ryder's confused expression, she reiterated. "You slept a total of _fourteen_ hours last week! Even worse, you haven't slept in two days!"

"I'm doing just fine, Lexi!" she retorted. "Look, I need- I need to get the angara to agree to a settlement on Voeld, so can we _please_ argue about this later?"

Lexi ignored her and held up the syringe. "Ryder, we're either going to do this the easy, or we can do it the hard way. Don't make me pump you full of sedatives."

"Lexi, I have work to do!"

"As do I!" she hissed. " _This_ is my job! To make sure that you take care of yourself! And if you can't do that, then I will!"

Ryder's eyes flashed red. "The Initiative can't wait for me to get prim and proper! People are dying out there every second I waste!"

"And what happens when the only hope we have runs herself into the ground because of hubris? The Initiative survived well enough before the _Hyperion_ 's arrival. They can survive one more day without you." She placed a hand on her shoulder. "Just sleep. That's all I'm asking. Then when you wake up, you can do all the pathfinding you want."

Ryder glanced down at her twiddling thumbs, swallowing thickly before nodding. Pleased with the outcome, Lexi tucked her in as she slipped under the covers and settled down in a fetal position.

"I can't sleep," she whispered softly, eyes closing. "I try to and when I do, I feel like I'm drowning in the dark. And I'm all alone. I wake up in a cold sweat, shivering even when I'm wrapped in the thickest blanket I can find, and SAM tells me the thermostat is at the highest setting it'll go. And I don't know why."

Exhaustion eventually overtook her, and her voice started to drift until her breathy words became almost inaudible. _Almost._

"Some… times… it makes me…" Lexi strained to hear what would be the last of her sleepy murmurs. "… wish… I was… dead…" And she was out.

Lexi could only gape at her confession, and her heart broke for her. Ryder was young— she shouldn't have to feel this way. She shouldn't have to shoulder the weight of millions of lives.

She shouldn't have to feel like she had to choose between her duty to live and her will to die.

She saw a tear threatening to slip from Ryder's eyes and caught it before it fell, stroking her cheek.

 _I'm so sorry, Ryder._

That night, she never left her side, comforting her when she thrashed in her sleep, murmuring into her ear, "It's okay, I'm here. You're not alone. I'm here with you."

At one point during the night, Ryder woke with a frantic start, eyes wild and lips quivering, as she chanted, "It should have been me, it should have been me." After a failed attempt to calm her down resulted in her curling up into a ball and rocking back and forth, crying and hyperventilating, and body chilled to the bone, Lexi was forced to sedate her.

"SAM… what does she dream about?" she asked into the silent darkness, tucking in Ryder's boneless body once again.

"Apologies, Dr. T'Perro. As this particular information is not pertinent to your duties, the Pathfinder's order to keep silent on the matter stands." To SAM's credit, he did manage to sound apologetic.

"Of course, SAM. Thank you."

Hours later, when SAM had ensured her that the sedatives had taken their full effect and that Ryder would not reawaken prematurely, Lexi had reluctantly left the room.

After all, she should practice what she preached and get some sleep as well.

But sleep eluded her. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Ryder's tear-streaked faced and heard her hollow voice echoing her wish to die.

 _I'm a failure as a doctor. How many other people on the ship feel this way, without me noticing? Who was helping them?_

And so, instead of tossing and turning in bed, she started compiling a message on an empty datapad.

 _Subject: Mental Illness_

 _Given recent events, this seems like a good time to refresh you on the Andromeda Initiative's mental wellness program. This states that mental disorders are…_

She'd have to remind them that they weren't alone. It wouldn't change much, but it was a start.


End file.
